I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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