my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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