4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
