I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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