She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
