And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
