If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Come on in and take your pants off
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