And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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