A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
