Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I want her autograph on my taint
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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