Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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