genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
