Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
