I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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