hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
