This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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