He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
