I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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