I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
