Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
