dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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