I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize