The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
