Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
