Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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