The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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