I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
