im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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