I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
