if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
