im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize