she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
