I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
