Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
