I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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