1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
