I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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