I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
