I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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