Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
