there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
