my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Woke up backwards on a recliner
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
