mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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