New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
And then he peed in my hair
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