I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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