Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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