I wannas sexs uuuuu
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Terrible idea I love it
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize