Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
please come you make the beer taste better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
