I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
