dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Never joke about your clitoris.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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