you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
