It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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