6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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