would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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