Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
No subtext here. People are naked.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize