At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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