yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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